- "There's nothing wrong with stretching the Truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious."
- "If Truth Beauty and Beauty Truth, then I look beautiful tonight."
- " I am the Walrus . Goo goo ga Truth."
- "You tricked me!" "I tricked you into the truth sir."
- "Hey kid, wanna get morally high?"
- "Congressmen are gonna need a hell of a name. Something bold. Something sexy. Something with a little more zazz than F.E.M.A. Here's what I propose: the Storm, Accident and Viral Emergency Unconditional Relief-Support and Emendation of Loss Federation (S.A.V.E. U.R.S.E.L.F.)"
- “When you're hiking, you put this little bell on your clothes and it jingles. That makes the bears think it's Christmas , which they hate because they are godless killing machines.”
- "Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'"
- "When I think about the truth, I touch myself!"
- "I've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one!"
- "By the power of Grayskull, this is the Colbert Report."
- "I'm not a copy machine, but I have this whip!"
- "War in Iraq, great war or the greatest war?"
- "Need I remind you that if the Democrats take control of Congress, Democrats will be in control of Congress!"
- "This is the Colbert Report. And for our foreign viewers, THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT!"
- "Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. But what really matters is how thick is it?"
From the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
- “But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias .”
- “Though I am a committed Christian , I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu , Jew or Muslim . I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
- (Expressing his awe in standing next to President Bush, and referring to the Dick Cheney hunting incident )
"To be this close to the man [Bush], I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face . Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped."
- (Referring to Reverend Jesse Jackson )
"Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is."
- "Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth unfiltered by rational argument; I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term."
- "I believe that the government that governs best is the government that governs least, and by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
- "Nothing satisfies you [reporters]... everybody asks for personnel changes, so the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, 'oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic .' First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking, this administration is soaring! If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg !"